Brain Buzzing Early on a Sunday Morning
Woke early.
Brain buzzing.
Flashback...
Elementary school recess. A stressful time for me. Wandering around the school yard, bouncing a ball against the wall in a game of 7-up, looking for a swing, hanging from the monkey bars, mostly alone.
New school. Seventh grade.
I remember being excited to start junior high. I was looking forward to being with a larger group of kids and hopeful I would find some friends. I was still searching for a someone or a small group of someones that I might really connect with.
First days came and went. It wasn't so easy. I discovered that students seemed to stay in already formed cliques from their elementary schools. And there wasn't much room for breaking in. So I was very excited when I met L. We had some classes together and talked easily with each other. She introduced me to her friend M. and soon we were hanging out together. I was having fun and starting to feel less apprehensive about the more unstructured times of the day like before school, shifting between classes or lunch breaks now that I had a couple of new friends.
Then, one early winter morning I received a note from L. I opened it excitedly to discover the secret news inside.
- I can't be friends with you anymore. M. says I have to choose, you or her.
I was completely unprepared and devastated.
Why did this particular memory return to me this morning?
I am going over conversations I had with a group of colleagues last night and as is so often the case, am filled with uncertainty. Did I say the right things? Did I put my foot in my mouth? Maybe I should have said --- or not have said ---. What do they really think of me?
Then I was thinking about trust - how it is formed, how it can be broken, how that affects us in the moment, or stays with us over time and influences the risks we might reject or embrace.
Oh, this is not the sort of brain buzzing I expected for Sunday morning. Early experiences shape us and this one has clearly stayed in your memory. Maybe you're just overthinking last night. I would talk to the folks I was with just to be sure all is well. Have a great day! - Ramona
ReplyDeleteTrust is a big issue, one I’ve been thinking about lately, too, in regard to friendships and perhaps undeveloped-as-yet (shaker) friendships. Your use of italics really works as you share your dream from the past and your concerns in the present. Don’t we try, now, to teach kids to not act that way? But everybody is looking to belong, sometimes at another’s expense. Rotten. You told the story well, now try to worry less. I hope you can remind yourself that often, as adults, its not even about us.
ReplyDeleteAs I wrote I was thinking about building trust with students and families and how for some simply coming to school is an act of trust. I agree, it is often not about us.
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